


japanese denim

by rensfilms



Series: the what if's [5]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Finding Oneself, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, huang renjun - Freeform, na jaemin - Freeform, renmin, they end on good terms-ish, theyre brokenhearted but its ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 18:43:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20178943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rensfilms/pseuds/rensfilms
Summary: And at age 21, Jaemin see’s his first love and first heartbreak walk out the front door, feeling the dull brown of the apartment swallow him whole.





	japanese denim

**Author's Note:**

> listen to japanese denim by daniel caesar while reading this 4 real heartbreak : 00

Jaemin takes a deep breath, feeling his throat close up and his eyes sting. He fidgets with his fingers as he bites his lips, the silence that echoes throughout the room is deafening. Renjun sits just a few feet away from him on the same couch, looking just as broken. They both stare ahead, the air suffocating as the only sounds being heard along the room were ragged breaths, struggling not to choke on the tension. Jaemin takes a particularly deep breath, closing his eyes and feeling the burn in them.

Renjun had carried the last box of his belongings out the apartment a few minutes ago before coming back up, silently sitting with Jaemin on the couch. It stays quiet for a bit before Jaemin breaks into a fit of silent sobs and Renjun feels his hands tremble before feeling the first tear slide onto his cheeks, followed by another one and another one.

Jaemin still has his eyes closed, feeling a shudder throughout his whole body. He doesn’t know when it started to go downhill until he was so deep under. It just happened over time. Ask Renjun and he’d give the same answer. A skipped meal together turned into a few skipped meals together. A lonely night in bed turned into a few lonely nights. Neither were to blamed, or maybe both were.

‘It’s natural’, they had both convinced themselves that every night. People grew apart, they knew that much. They were busy after all. They were both so sure it was just a phase, neither dared to admit they had both fallen out of love, that saying it would all feel too real. Until laying in bed together didn’t feel warm anymore and meals together left queasy feelings at the pit of their stomachs.

When Jaemin pries his eyes open, his vision blurs as they land on a particular picture neatly placed on the table. It was one of Jaemin and Renjun at their graduation 3 years ago. They had been dating for a little over a few months back then because at age 18, Jaemin realizes he was in love with Renjun. Their eyes were bright with excitement, completely oblivious to how they would end up sitting in their shared apartment 3 years later, heartbroken.

Renjun manages to stop his hands from trembling after a few deep breaths but his brain doesn’t stop bringing up images of Jaemin and him together. The taller was only standing a few feet away from him but it felt like they were on different planets, completely unreachable.

An image of them laying in bed, legs tangled up under the duvet. Renjun bite his lips remembering the way they would talk for hours on end, never running out of topics. Jaemin would fuel his excitement when they talked about the unknown, adoration filling his eyes. Or when Jaemin would slip his hand across Renjun’s waist, pulling him closer on rainy days and basking in the warmth of being together. The taller feeling Renjun shiver under him when he presses a kiss against his neck, his rosemary scent lingering under his nose. It’s the same shiver Jaemin feels when Renjun performs in cafes, voice dripping with honey as he sings soulfully. But that's not what makes the taller’s heart thump in his ribcage. It’s when Renjun’s eyes dart towards the crowd, finding the familiar brown irises that bring him comfort in the morning, night and every time in between. Jaemin would smile back when a grin makes it’s way to Renjun’s lips, an unspoken truth that Renjun was his and he was Renjun’s. Until it wasn’t the truth anymore.

Renjun takes a sharp breath when he opens his eyes and it reminds Jaemin of the first time they talked about it. He could never forget the utter feeling of devastation filling him up to the brim, feeling his fingers tremble to the point where they felt numb. Until that was the only feeling that he could feel. Numb. He didn’t cry when Renjun brought up the topic of them growing apart. Neither did Renjun. They didn’t fight when Jaemin blurted out about breaking up and moving out. There wasn’t any screaming, exchange of harsh words unlike the other fights. It was so silent that Renjun swears he could hear his own heart breaking into pieces with Jaemin’s. It was different this time because they wouldn’t be crawling next to each other in bed later, whispering apologies against each other’s lips. This time there wasn’t anything to apologize for, it was mutual.

Renjun swipes a sleeve across his eyes, finally building up enough courage to turn towards Jaemin on the other side of the couch and his heart sinks deeper, catching the taller’s red tipped nose and flushed wet cheeks. Jaemin takes another deep breath before returning the gaze and his heart shatters again, watching how broken Renjun looks. It hit them like a wave when the apartment looks half empty now, Renjun’s things being packed up in boxes and sent back to his parent’s house. Jaemin doesn’t realize how much of Renjun’s things took up the space in the apartment, making it feel like a home. Now it looks half empty. Colder.

Jaemin see’s the shorter’s pupils shake when he shifts closer. Renjun doesn’t take his eyes off of him as their eyes meet again and the shorter finally see’s the stars pooling in Jaemin’s glossy eyes, the stars that seemed to have fade along the way. It makes it a little easier to breath, convincing himself that this might all be worth it. That Jaemin was going to be okay. That they both were.

The shorter feels his throat burn when he takes a large gulp, finally managing to break the long silence.

“I’m so sorry Jaemin.” He see’s Jaemin bite his lips, making it turn into an angry red.

“I’m sorry too Jun. I’m so sorry. I never wanted this to happen.” He could hear how raw Jaemin’s voice had become due to all the crying.

“I know you didn’t.” Renjun drops his gaze to his hands before reaching into his pockets to pull out his keys to the apartment, handing it to Jaemin. The taller stares at it for a little while before pocketing it and turning his gaze back to Renjun. He hears the shorter sniffle, tears pooling in his eyes before staring back at the taller when he feels warm hands cup the sides of his face. Jaemin pulls him forward, tilting Renjun’s head downwards to press a warm kiss against his forehead. Renjun glues his eyes shut, feeling too overwhelmed by emotions as hot tears slip out his eyes again. Jaemin pulls away after a few seconds, staring directly into his eyes.

“I loved you so much Renjun. You’ll always have a piece of my heart with you and that’s never going to change.” Jaemin says it with so much sincerity that his own lips tremble, struggling to look put together.

“I loved you too. More than you could imagine.”

They settle with the silence for a few more minutes before Renjun forces himself up with shaky limbs, whispering another low ‘sorry’ before walking towards the door.

And at age 21, Jaemin see’s his first love and first heartbreak walk out the front door, feeling the dull brown of the apartment swallow him whole.

**Author's Note:**

> this made me really sad but uh tell me if i should make a sequel :]]
> 
> twt: rensfilms  
cc: 813na


End file.
